Some days a do-over would be nice. Earlier this week that was most definitely my sentiments…
This has been one of those days I have wanted a do-over. No it’s not been the worst day of my life nor has it been the best. It is was a day packed with potential but sadly fell far from grace.
In addition to the cleaning, cooking and falling behind, I scolded, put in time out and accepted the words “momma I don’t like you”. But what I didn’t want to accept was this sinking feeling with each scolding that I knew there had to be another better way to reach the kids.
Sometimes it just is what it is. Other times you want to shout “this is not who I am or want to be”. I even shared that little not so secret with my.eldest nephew but it fell on deaf ears. For the umpteenth time in months I scolded him for peeling paint off the wall in his bedroom. I have yet to fix the spot because why bother since he is going to do it again.
So I scolded and asked him why he feels the need to peel the paint. When I received no answer I just asked him to admit that he did it since I walked in on him peeling the paint. All I got was a blank stair and the question “I did that?”.
I wanted to scream and it was only 9am. Sadly that set the tone for the day. I tried to reboot time and time again but found myself scolding, punishing and on the edge of a scream most of the day.
While it might feel like a big loss I do remember the moments I complimented and thanked. The happy moments of singing the ABC song and hugs were also good.
The happy moments often seem over shadowed by the feeling that I could have handled things better or another way. Not to mention the feelings of being out of my depth.
My eldest nephew seems determined to get all the munchkins in my life to come to terms with me not being their mom. He finds the oddest moments to add in “no that not momma that aunt” or other such phrases. While I am not the biological mother of any of them I have had a hand in raising each of them. Aunt seems such an understatement or soft word to use but mom I am not. So he is not wrong but every time he points that out to the other munchkins I feel more like I don’t know what I am and therefore what my role should even be. Today he not only pointed it out but got his brother to question why they are here so much especially if I am “only” their aunt.
The day started early and wore me thing. By dinner I was done. I did muster up some smiles and happiness before bedtime for the munchkins. Story time was as it usually is: a mixed bag. My youngest nephew was upset when story time was over saying, “I don’t like you but I love you”, before he turned over and promptly fell asleep.
No it wasn’t all bad but I definitely wouldn’t put it in the win column. A do-over with an extra padding of sleep would be nice. Maybe tomorrow will be better.